The relationship between parents and teenagers has become increasingly difficult to manage, considering the exposure to so many “new experiences” that the teenager can have access so easily. It’s a real challenge to be able to help your child, to guide him and make them understand what the difference is between good/positive deeds and wrong/negative ones. How to deal with teenagers when apparently what you say is completely relative if compared to what they see and hear from their friends, entourage and/or teachers, neighbors, TV?
What is the nature of the relationship between parents and children, what is its essence? It’s about communication and maintaining a constant unbalanced distribution of power.
Is this a very awkward approach towards the methods on how to deal with teenagers? It might be, but when everything fails to deliver results, then you need a perspective that goes straight to the essence of the problem. Any sentimentalist view won’t work. But read as much as you can about how to deal with teenagers and talk to enlightened people about this.
In the next paragraphs I will summarize some set of rules that should constitute the basic principles on how to deal with teenagers. I myself was a teenager and I learned the hard way. Here it goes:
1. Know your teenagers – you can solve a problem if you don’t know what you face. You can learn about them in various ways, using your creative imagination to build a scenario in which you and they are together. Let’s assume that they like rock music. Enter their world –not by wearing black t-shirts or makeover, but by starting being competent in this area. Start learning and listening to different styles, songs, lyrics and try to find a set of bands that do not promote only excesses through their lyrics. When you hear the music loud in their bedroom, you will be able to comment the quality of the lyrics or on the members of that band. And the list can go on and is as diverse as teenagers’ passions are. Are they passionate about drawing or singing and they are reluctant to go to the club with you? OK. Just find a more select club somewhere else in the club where you can be just a friend of your child. Let them see and understand that you are passionate about getting to know them rather than be a minor god that imposes a set of rules. How to deal with teenagers if you have only a vague idea on what they feel like? Tip: remember your own adolescence and try not to be too har
sh on your children. They simply cannot understand the value of everything you have done good for them so far. Don’t be upset because of this. It’s not ingratitude – they really cannot perceive the value and judge it. But later in their adult life they will realize what is that you did for them.
2. Rules are rules – be firm in your decisions towards respecting the rules. If the teenagers don’t want to comply with them, just have them see what is on the other side of the rules: another rule regarding what happens when one doesn’t comply. I am not talking here about crazy rules like “Don’t ever go there”, “You must never date until you are 21” or other unfair rules. Set a list of rules – don’t do drugs, don’t ever shout at me or in the house, don’t be sloppy. What they need to understand is that they DO need your support (at least financial support), so they must be willing to comply with the most common sense rules. If there are things that they want to do and you are not quite willing to accept (play the music loud in the house) then you should negotiate the terms. What you need to understand is that you are not their GOD, but their guide. You cannot have them obey any rule you want just because you like only personal comfort and every rule refers only to you and your well being. You are their guide, so act like one
. You say you love them? Put their well being above yours – even if that means they must suffer the consequences of their behavior (you take drugs, I will put you in rehab and I will make sure you will even face the police if you don’t stop immediately if no soft method works with you). Quite hard to do when you are their parents, I know. But the soft approach will only lead to their destruction.
3. Be the best you can be in every situation – put back your limits so that they can see a better being in you. Share your past experiences, make time to talk to them, admit when you were wrong, be open on any kind of communication – if they feel better talking via email, then start doing that. Respect them and remember that you wouldn’t take any advice from persons that are not at least as evolved as you are or from persons that only preach their ideas. Live up to your expectations of a guide you are willing to learn from! Study teenagers’ psychology. Meditate, do yoga, show them that there’s more than this daily world and more than the physical realm. Grow so that you can be a source of living wisdom. No one says it is easy to be a parent. But if you cannot be a model for your children, then they will look someplace else and they don’t even know where to look for. Make yourself respected for what you are and demand the respect for your financial support only when they are grown ups and understand its value. For your financial efforts you can ask for complying with the basic common sense rules.
Remember: learning how to deal with teenagers is a must. Ask for professional help or read as much as you can on the subject. Nothing will get better if you keep doing what you have always been doing. If you chose to have children, you must accept that this is the greatest responsibility you can have. If you didn’t choose, remember that you didn’t ask for your life either, but you had to make the best out of it.
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